Ahhh

How long is it going to take me to not think about food all the time? Why is is that after I am full from lunch, I still think I need a bowl of ice cream or something?

UGGG

Pleasant Surprise!!

I drug all 3 kids with me to weigh in this morning. I wasn't really very excited to do so, but nonetheless, I went anyway. See, I had a couple late nights this week were I was really snacky, so I thought I blew it.

Well, I lost 2.8!! Woo Hoo!! That make almost 7 lbs in the past 2 weeks-I can do it!! Can't wait to work hard this week. I am off to a good start-we went to the mall and I looked around until I found a place with a grilled chicken salad with fat free dressing. The only points were the chicken! It can be done!!

Pictures

I was just posting a bunch of pictures to my Facebook account. I was looking for ones with me mostly so people who haven't seen me for a while could catch up to what I have been up to. I loved seeing myself after having Jordan and Spencer-I got back down to my lower weights with both of them. After Jordan I actually lost 10 more than when I got married. I was so happy in those shots. I wasn't worried about having my picture taken. I just posted pictures of me walking the boys on the pony at the fair and they are AWFUL!! It is just one roll after another and it makes me so sad to look at them.

So, what do I do with this-I will use it as motivation. I know I need to exercise to lose the inches and if I do WW the way I did 7-8years ago, in a year I will be there again. I need to blow up some of these pics so I can keep reminding myself. I don't know which will work better-the fat ones or my honeymoon ones? I have had a honeymoon one on my fridge for a while, but it hasn't worked. Guess I could focus on what I don't want to look like again.

I just want to be that happy mommy I was with Jordan and Spencer. I want my old self back and this weight is preventing me from doing that. My children deserve better. I have do dig down deep and find her again because I like her much better than I like myself right now. I think my extra weight adds stress and worry to my life and I tend to take it out on the kids. I feel awful for that and only I can change it.

gotta go to bed...

The Fair

I went to a county fair today. I did NOT EAT ONE THING there!! I ate a pita sandwhich in the car and when I was hungry, I ate an apple. I am not going to lie, the funnel cakes looked pretty good. It was so hot and I was really sweaty, so I hope I sweatted off a pound or so.

It is almost 11:00 and my stomach is grumbling. I have resolved to go to bed and not stop in the kitchen.

I can do this...I can do this....I can do this.... I will do this!!

I would prefer another problem!

I often sit and wish for another problem, one not so visible. People can have bad personalities, bad tempers, be unintelligent or plain dumb, and some can be downright horrible to other people, but if they are thin and pretty, it is all overlooked. At least that is what my perception is-that's what I see. Especially in dating. Why does the Bachelor have to have only size 0 and 2 on the show. Are they the only women worth anything. Good thing Darin loves me for who I am-even though I am bigger now than when we met. I know in the long run it doesn't matter-I will be perfect in the eternities.

But it is so hard to think about the eternities when right now is so hard. I had a rough day with the kids, so I am fighting off the "I need a snickers bar" feelings. I made a normal dinner instead of McDonalds because I knew I would want a burger instead of a salad. I have done this before, I don't know why it is so hard now. I guess when I was single my focus was totally different and I only had myself to take care of. Darin is gone and I tend to do more damage when I am alone. I have told myself I will not eat anymore tonight-I am full from dinner and it is 7:00, so we'll see how I do. I know I can do it. I did it all last week-no eating after dinner. I may even exercise when the kids go to bed!!

When you look at pictures of yourself....

you have to come out of the denial.

As I looked at our vacation pictures, I realized I needed to go back to weight watchers. I have gained back a lot of the weight I lost after I kept it off for so long. I went back and lost 4 lbs the first week.

This blog will be my journal through this process. I know it will be a way for me to express how I feel and to write whenever I feel upset and want to eat.

Here's to getting skinny again!